Spontaneous.

That’s what I like to think of myself. And in some cases that’s true. I do many things in spur of the moment. I rarely think of consequences (which always gets me in trouble). Hasty and impulsive are just a few of the words that describe my actions. It may seem like I have no set plan or organized lifestyle, but that’s not true.

I like to plan things - my future in particular. From my chemistry classes this fall at Berkeley to my lab research internship at Genentech after I graduate, I calculate everything into my master plan. I cross analyze all my likes, dislikes, dreams, ambitions, and capabilities to determine the best routes and plans if things go wrong. I make multiple rough drafts. Scheduling, better teachers, easier classes, simpler routes all combine into this plan. The master plan called ‘future’. I put an incredible amount of confidence and pride into this master plan. I back it up with all my heart, mind, & soul. I optimistically look forward to the future. But, I can’t find solace in that anymore. For the first time in my life, I’m scared of my future.

I’m anxious. Nervous. Terrified.

I’m afraid of what lies ahead of me. I don’t know what the future will bring. My back up plans seem measly and pitiful. My security crumbles. My happiness wavers.

Because this time, I’m all alone.
Who will catch me when I fall?