I have a final tomorrow, fuck that.

God, I really need to go on vacation. Or at least watch Depicable Me a couple more times. I want to be like her, she’s hilarious!

Thanks for making my night, Agnes. <3

Been so lazy and unmotivated to jot down thoughts lately, but nothing exciting has really happened. Other than my purchase of a canopy and memory foam topper for my bed, I haven’t even really shopped. My cheap mondays? Think that was in June. The varsity? Early July. Retail therapy, where have you gone?! I think it’s been about three weeks since I really wrote anything of content, so I’m going to try and see if my poor little Japanese crammed brain can reflect.

I thought this summer was going to fucking boring and lame, but I like looking back at my pictures knowing I did something. The spontaneous bonfire last week was a nice escape from all of this school. So even though I missed out on Hawaii with a good friend of mine, I think I’ll be okay. But I better be going this Saturday.

It’s weird. This whole, not-really-spending-summer-with-people-I’ve-known-my-whole-life thing. For someone who used to complain about having the same friends throughout my teens, I have grown to miss everyone I bitched about. I guess you never really miss something until it’s gone? There are some bitches and assholes I am almost embarrassed to find that I miss. But there are also those people I have missed since day one. To all the friends that were there to grow up with me, it is our first summer apart. Our first summer with a second home. Our first summer of awkward hellos and tearless goodbyes.

But the thing about this separation is that it is a present in disguise; the space that we each get in finding out about ourselves is a gift. Some of us weren’t as strong as we thought to be. Some weren’t as weak. Some weren’t as innocent. And some weren’t as dependent on each other. If anything, I am proud of those who have had the power to find what they have wanted out of life and moved on from the things that stranded them to adolescence. On the other hand, there are also still many people that have a little ways to go to grow up - me included. Although I know what I want out of life, although I know what I need to do to get there, although I have everything planned out day by day year by year, I don’t know where I stand as a person.

Not knowing who you are? I feel like that’s scarier than not knowing what you want.

But there are still people at home that care. People whom I haven’t spoken to all year, who I haven’t seen all summer, that I know will still welcome me in the middle of the night. And I think that’s what really gets me about going home - it’s the friendships you know you don’t need to keep caring for to stay strong. As if the friendships at home are long-lasting weeds that refuse to die, and the friendships at school are short-lived orchids who wither by day.

I wonder what kind of person I will be in the future.

But more importantly, I wonder which friends I will keep. And which ones I will not.