Castle Mote Sakura, Himeji (by Ippei & Janine Naoi)
06.17.2014
At Starbucks right now per usual because there’s traffic on the way home and I love spending quiet thinking time in coffee shops. Japan has obviously been a lot on my mind lately.
To be honest, I’ve never been more scared of something in my life.
The idea of living alone, utterly alone, really freaks me out. I didn’t do so well the first time I went abroad and lived on my own - and that time I had fellow Cal Bears in the apartment complex with me. I won’t know anyone this time around. I’m worried about loneliness, about having too much quiet, and just surviving in general. I’m not the best cook..so that’s definitely something I’m worrying about and need to work on. And money. Oh god, money. For some reason, I always manage to spend way over budget despite refraining from buying everything I want and getting food and housing for free. Money is definitely going to be a struggle if I want to save enough and live paycheck to paycheck.
Loneliness - scares me the most.
I’m worried about my relationships here at home, worried if I will be forgotten. How much I’m missing out on, people I can’t spend time with, time I will lose forever.
I want to be the kind of friend that drops everything to be by your side. To rush over at the speed of light and offer my shoulder. However, it looks like I will be extremely disappointing this next year since I can’t be anywhere near my loved ones and that saddens me. I won’t be able to be there when people need me and when lives fall apart. I can’t put them back together, as much as I’d like to try. Every one of my relationships will be a long distance relationship.
I have to remind myself that there are worse things and actual problems in the world.
But really, I wish I could just put time on hold sometimes.