So I passed organic chemistry.
Even with a C- I was flipping ecstatic. I should have failed that class, I really should have. Considering I didn’t study as much as I should have. Although sometimes I think even if I had studies twice as hard, I would have still had a hard time. But considering I got a C+ in AP Chemistry, it was a miracle already to get a B in general chemistry. But Cam told me something that really made me think…
“I never thought I’d hear you settle for a C.”
Huh. She’s right. Half a year ago, I probably wouldn’t have. I would have rather thrown myself off a cliff than be okay with getting a C. I was so set on beating out everyone else, I never let myself stray from my goal path. I wonder what happened, exactly? Maybe it’s this atmostphere I’m in - all these geniuses left and right who are capable of everything humanly possible. Even the girl I hated for the past two years wasn’t satisfied until she got her straight A’s. Until she got her A in organic chemistry.
I’ll be honest. I’m a cocky, confident, spoiled, self-centered bitch. I think highly of myself. Where I am is at the top of the world, where I am is where everyone should want to be. Where I am is the best place on Earth.
Except here.
I feel very inadequate. Small, teeny, miniscule. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I feel like I have run out of self-esteem. I have nothing really amazing worth contributing to this over-achieving community. I feel like I can’t achieve my goals, as ambitious as they can be. I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost my edge and my competitive nature. Lost my will, lost my hope. Where have my dreams of saving the world gone?
I really need to step up my game.
I really want to beat this game called life.