We need more girls with class.
I wonder if she ever got surgery, I love her face, I wonder if perfection could be all natural?..
Anyways, I’ve been trying to write more lately so as to get more accustomed to blogging and realizing thoughts in printing. It’s strange how typing things out just seem to sound better than the word vomit I come up with in real life.
I’m currently at a dilemma. So I think I’m usually the person (and correct me if I’m wrong) to say what is on my mind. Sometimes it’s probably better that I said it instead of keeping it inside to blow up on people later, but other times it gets me in trouble when I express myself in situations that I probably should have just kept quiet in the first place. So even though I try to think before I speak (what a preposterous idea), I still 95% of the time think it’s better if other people can tell what I am thinking..
Recently, I have been trying to be very open-minded and supportive of a dear friend of mine. I almost feel as if I am giving her special treatment by muffling my usual brutal honesty. We have had many talks already, so many that it’s probably no longer my place to say anything and let her own life be taken by the wind of her decisions, but it really bugs the shit out of me when her actions affect other people and she is either oblivious or selfish enough to disregard it. I would really want to be critical, but if even I won’t say it to her face - it really is not something that should be said I suppose. I’ve talked to myself a million times of what it is exactly that bothers me and I’ve confided in my friends a million more times of the things I wish I could say. I have also confronted her about her actions and their reflection on how I see her as a person. There’s just these criticisms and issues in my head I want to resolve by giving her yet another “talk”. But I know that I can’t. Because the biggest thing is that..
Well, she’s happy.
And I suppose it’s been a while since I have been in the dating stages of a relationship to remember if I was needy or clingy enough to have to see my boyfriend every day and have him sleep over Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday only to forget I promised my friends “girl’s nights” during the week. But chances are, I probably was neglecting to my own loves the three years ago when I started dating my current boyfriend. Actually, it is a fact I was neglecting because at a certain point I ran into so much trouble with one of my best friends that we almost had a fallout. They kept quiet the entire time, let their emotions sit inside, let me be happy, and waited until I was disillusioned by the relationship to understand that there needs to be a balance.
There always needs to be a balance.
Some part of me wishes I saved time by being told I was being a clingy, dependent, boyfriend-loving-too-much pathetic female without an ounce of female empowerment or respect for her friendships. I was criticized and for good reason. But I felt what happened, happened the right way. It is actually very normal to fall off the face of the earth when you find that new fling, that new potential-husband-to-be, you just need to re-evaluate and remember those that need your loving too. I found myself and I found that balance, after I went through my honey-moon phase. I was able to have my happy time and I was able to resolve and strengthen my friendships afterwards as well. I remembered that my friends and my childhood besties are the ones that will truly always be there (after my loyal dog); they are the people I need to pay the most attention to when they ask for it.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is..
I am now in that situation where I am the one being left out. The bestie that is forgotten, neglected, and left as a default for when Mr. Biking Mike is not in the city. I am the back-up companion, the driver, the errand runner. I do her laundry for her, so she can spend time with her boyfriend. I drive her to places to meet up with her boyfriend or run her errands because her boyfriend does not own a car.
My dear friend, you are a clingy, needy bitch. You let us three-wheel constantly and you forget the promises you had to spend time without your Mr. Biking Mike. You are not independent and yes, I have slightly lost respect for you after what happened in the beginning. But you know what?
It’s okay.
Because you’re happy. And just like my old friend gave me my happy honey moon period, I will give you yours. You can become enveloped by your relationship and you can have him be with you every waking moment of the day for the next few months, because you deserve it. This is ‘finding yourself’ also in a sense. I can not tell you what to do or tell you not to slut around because technically, you’re supposed to be slutting around. It is your prime and it is your experimentation. I can not shove myself into your lack of balance between your boyfriend and your friends, but instead wait on the sidelines quietly until you are ready to realize your commitments and priorities.
That’s the right thing to do.
It is really strange being on the other side of the same spectrum I put my best friends in, but also very enlightening. I’m going to wait until you are willing to be normal and a good companion again. So dear friend, please give me a break if I bully Mr. Biking Mike or if I refuse to run your errands for you, because honestly, I am keeping my honesty quiet so that you may be happy.
And it’s a god damn struggle.