You don’t really know me.
As emo as this sounds, I wish I didn’t always have to smile so much. That I could be depressed and sad and sexily broody, with no one questioning my sudden change in demeanor. I’m a natural at following the steps of society, but it definitely becomes a thorn in my side when the world expects me to smile, when I really want to frown. So maybe I’m a little more pessimistic than I had originally thought…Or maybe school and work are really starting to stress the fuck out of me. I can feel my optimism and happiness being sucked away. Maybe it’s Berkeley? Or the weather even.
I’ve just been in a really bad mood with a billion of things on my mind. I honestly, just want to explode and disappear to be one with the atmosphere sometimes. But, that would be running away. And I vowed two years ago that I would stop doing that. I won’t run away like my mother did.
So first thing. School is fucking hard. A’s in middle school? Mediocre. A’s in high school? Whatever. A’s in community college? Huh. A’s in a university? Hmmm, okay. A’s in organic chemistry? GET THE FUCK OUT. I’m starting to hate my classes, because despite being interesting, they never give me the results or grades I’m looking for. And it frustrates the shit out of me to hear I’m not on top anymore.
Then there’s relationships, where every one else seems to be in paradise while your own crumbles through your fingertips. Family issues sprout just when it seems the Christmas bliss will last forever. Drama with friends forces your closest circle to choose sides and suddenly - it’s a war at home. Financial bills and work pressure make most days all about scrounging for measly 10 dollar paychecks (most students don’t even make that much) that can never last more than a month.
It’s getting a lot harder to stay happy, much less sane.
(via ayllissamay)