It wasn’t the relationship

that I missed.

I haven’t had many, 

Really only one before you

to be exact.  

Although he made mistakes

he was very kind and our relationship 

was very safe, 

very healing.  

I guess that’s why  

we lasted so long.  

We built and mended 

loved and nurtured  

for six years.

All of my adult life then.

Yet, I don’t feel like  

any of that time was wasted. 

I wouldn’t have had it any other way;

I wouldn’t have had it

with anyone else.

We learned to compromise

to meet each other halfway. 

We learned to communicate, 

in authenticity, in truth. 

We learned to love,  

even when it was hard.  

I think that’s why when we started,  

I had a different understanding of what a relationship

could be. 

And that’s why it hurt me so much,  

that you couldn’t bring yourself to truly listen and understand me.  

I don’t miss the relationship.  

It was oftentimes painful, 

like my insides had fallen to my feet. 

Many a night, 

I felt fear.  

Afraid you would leave me, 

afraid of making you unhappy. 

Afraid, 

of not being enough.  

Of never being enough. 

Afraid,  

of you.  

I don’t miss the relationship.  

Nobody would. 

In my naïveté, I still wanted to make it work. 

Because I had never loved anything or anyone more deeply. 

My soul had never, 

met its match.  

I don’t miss the relationship.  

I’m not even entirely sure I miss you. 

Not the you from back then, anyway. 

I miss... 

How I felt about you.  

How it felt to be seen for the first time, to be truly loved. 

I miss loving like that. 

Unconditionally.