12.23.2014

There’s all these pictures of beautiful naked women on tumblr. It’s great, but kind of unfair.

Where are all my beautiful naked men and who do I need to follow to see them?

12.14.2014 - Those Who Are There When You Need Them

It’s hard for me sometimes to remember not to keep score.

Thing is, I usually don’t get bothered too easily and I know I don’t need much attention. I don’t ask for much and I know a lot of friends who don’t ask for anything. But I think that’s why it’s so important to pay attention when someone who never asks for anything - asks for your time. Because it’s them saying that they need you so badly with something they couldn’t handle themselves. That they needed help so much, they finally asked for it despite not knowing how to ask for help in the first place. And if this person, who usually deals with everything on their own, is asking for you to drop everything… I think the only answer is to do it.

My problem is, I drop everything all the time. For big problems, for little problems, for all the problems to fill the gaps in between. I tire myself out and I never know which situations are more important than others. So I try and fix them all. I want to try my best. So I do it. I pay attention.

The person who took my hand last time wasn’t who I thought it would be. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that disappointed me to no end. I was grateful to him, but disappointed in you. 

(Thank you.)

11.29.2014 - Recontract

I’m conflicted to be honest. 

I think it might be because I’m hormonal right now and it’s that time of the month…But once again, I’ve been thinking and rethinking my recontracting decision. I had a very good dinner and just a generally good day today with good people. Times like this always make me feel a bit lonely when I think that it’ll have to end and I’ll have to go home. 

While I usually do things that I want to do in that moment, I have to keep telling myself that this time, I can’t just make a decision on a whim. As much as I’d like to stay in this country and hang out with wonderful company, I, along with everyone else, must make decisions about the rest of our lives and work towards those goals. 

I’ve always felt like my twenties so far has been a lot about being lost and wondering what the next step is. I know many people around the same age as me in the same situation. I know many people older and younger as well. I find myself lucky even knowing just an inkling of the direction I want to go in life and I really believe that it is attested to my own aggressive search for self-discovery and understanding.

I knew at an early age that figuring yourself out was important - I just didn’t realize how much. When you realize the core of your being, is when you have the power and ability to mold and change it. You can become the person you’ve aspired to be and you can become all the good you wish to see in the world.

As long as you start with understanding yourself and then trying your best to understand others as well. 

11.24.2014 - BAY > LA

I spoke with a girl I’ve only briefly met, again last night. Let’s call her, W. 

 As my first impression a few months back, W seemed very cool and very much my kind of person. She carries herself with class and is incredibly articulate. However, after talking to her more over dinner I realized that I missed quite a lot about W the first time around. And there were things I disagreed with her about. 

For one, she was very adamant about how horrible substances were to the body. Now that in itself is fine - if not completely true. What I didn’t like, however, was how she grouped and labeled people who use and have ever used substances as ‘bad’ and 'dumb’. ..Because your intelligence and integrity completely depends on what you put into your body, right? 

Um, no. 

 It wasn’t that W didn’t like the drugs themselves or doing drugs, but the fact that she was negatively judging people didn’t sit well with me. The fact W herself has never had experience with drugs and was passing judgement regardless, also made me lose a little bit of respect for her. I don’t think drug-use is correlated to integrity. And especially not intelligence. I also find it unfair that people are seen as losers and criminals for making personal decisions with what they put into their bodies. 

We don’t have a right to tell others how to live, and we especially should refrain from judging people who make different decisions from us. I think I was really disappointed. W seemed like someone who was progressive and open to new ideas - somebody I would be able to welcome into my socialistic, San Franciscan conversations. …But she turned out to be just another Conservative from that “other” city down south. 

(Everyday, I thank the universe that I grew up where I did.)