I have this habit of collecting shirts
something about the way they fit
they hang on my sides
in the corners and the softs of my body
all the ways that you couldn’t
all the ways that you didn’t
there is feeling in the fabric
lessons in the folds
stories behind the strings
love in the space between
every so often I catch a whiff
and it smells like nostalgia
like…
m e m o r y
I have this habit of collecting shirts
shirts that have slowly begun to smell
like me.
the relationship
that I am looking for is
love between two trolls.
2021 was grounding for me. I’ve been on a plane since I was a few months old and flying by myself since I was 2. I’ve moved every couple years and to this date have lived in 4 countries, 10 apartments, a co-op, a sorority, 3 houses, and 2 states. For most of my life, I didn’t understand what a “home” was. I think I was trying so hard to belong somewhere, I missed the lesson entirely. This year really helped me see, that “home” can be anywhere. It’s not a place, it’s a feeling.
Home is when the dog you adopted, who never makes any expression on his long face, wags his tail when he sees you (and boops you for snacks).
Home are the kids you babysat who are so grown they’re taking YOU to Disneyland, and becoming social justice warriors themselves.
It’s the apartment that you love, with its windows and bougee balconies where you have movie and dinner nights with roommates you want to come home to.
Home is the job you’re in love with. When you’re doing work that is fulfilling, with dope, funny as shit teammates.
Home are friends who have opened their own lives and love to you. The ones who dance, snowboard and drink with you, fix your golf swing week after week, listen to your drunk ass cry and complain, tuck you in on their couch for the 100th time, TAKE YOU TO FLOOR SEATS AT A WARRIORS GAME, sing to you and remind you to login to that phone game we’ve spent way too much time and money on. The ones who find you the minute they’ve come back home from England, New York, Egypt, Georgia, Utah, LA.
Homes can be broken, and put back together again. They’re dysfunctional, stressful, painful. And yet, they can still come back and find their way. Homes can be forgiving, healing, and loving too (please go to therapy).
Home is the ocean. Warmth of the sun, rhythm of the waves, life and love, as deep as each of us (minus me panicking without a life vest).
ALOHA, 2021.
Take me by the hand, 2022. I wanna FLOW with you.
not white enough to be white
not black enough to be black
an ever constant other
why can't I be your brother?
i don't see any like us
in congress, in media, in books
i don't see myself in anything,
and it makes me hate my voice, my looks.
i don't see me,
my identity lacking.
it is our grandparents,
you are all attacking.
i worry for my family
for my gung gung and popo.
for not belonging
in this country anymore.
or did we truly ever?
exclusion, internment, death
did we belong? never.
oh she's asian? submissive?
small, we should fuck her.
(we should kill her)
we're not even considered
people of color.
but even if I choose a different check,
i still fear that noose around my neck.
we were lynched and hanged too,
but that's what they don't teach you.
minor feelings, minor pain
they all add up, to 1900%
add it to the bodies,
the trauma, nothing makes sense.
model minority means we have no place
we fit in nowhere, because of our face.
because. of. our. race.
i'm tired and hateful,
just give me a breather
it's not like I chose this,
I don't want to be asian either.
goodbye, 2020 🤙🏽 you were tough, but the best teacher in a lot of ways. I learned to value time with family, especially now that my parents are getting older and older. forgiveness heals all wounds — even ones you’ve buried since childhood. it isn’t the activities that I miss, it’s the people I did them with. money isn’t as important as health. find gratitude in little things like hugs, handholding, chats with strangers, coffee shops and bookstores. water is life, and waves are for riding (not kayaking). golf is hard. grief is harder. loneliness, sometimes the hardest. wine is good. friends are key. honest relationships are better than easy ones. home is where the heart is. the sea is where the soul is. carrying all your lessons (and 205lbs. into the next decade) 🌊 hello 2021, please bring me even more aloha. 💖
“what I want to write about today is the sea... It is my favorite thing, I think, that I have ever seen… It seems big enough to contain everything anyone could ever feel.”
“If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.” - Lilla Watson
See Me.
It’s a constant battle
To get people to look me in the eye.
That wouldn’t be so difficult to handle,
If I didn’t know what it had felt like before.
How it felt,
To be seen.
To see,
Eye to eye.
Please, I pray silently
Please, see
Me.
Look me in the eye and see,
where life has taken me.
Which roads I have crossed,
Which roads I have built.
Which roads I have lost
Look me in the eye and see,
Where I have crawled,
My blood, sweat and tears.
Look me in the eye and hear,
My story.
The battles I have won,
And those that I have lost.
My hard earned lessons,
Swallowing heartbreaks.
Listen to the sound of my steps,
The taste of my desire.
I breathe, I exhale.
I breathe.
I yearn, I lust, I live.
I love.
See it.
Please,
look me in the eye,
And not at my chair.
2019 was tough on many fronts - I was in a new city that is only a fraction as chill as the one I left 🤙🏽, with an even smaller fraction of the nature I needed 🍃, stuck in a living situation that was extremely difficult and exhausting 🙃, trying to survive a full time graduate school schedule, an internship and two jobs. And doing it all 3000 miles away from my family, my dogs and much of my chosen family. 👨👩👧👦
There were so many nights I couldn’t sleep and moments where I didn’t feel safe in a city as cold as New York. ❄️ I think I cried at least once every week (without watching dog 🐶 movies).
They say if you make it here, you can make it anywhere.
I think I understand that a little better now. If you can somehow pull yourself up through all the bullshit and through all the harsh realities of humanity, ego and hustle culture pulsating through the concrete streets of New York... 🙉 and come out the other side with your character and values intact — you can handle anything. I’ve felt myself break and rebuild so many times over, I no longer fear the unknown, the illogical, the unreasonable 🙄, change.
I no longer fear myself. It doesn’t scare me anymore, coming face to face with my shortcomings. Leaning into my strengths. And choosing the right people to share it all with. 💎
I do very much believe that life gives you challenges to teach you something, to nurture your growth. 🌱 Life also gives you the moments that last forever, to remind you how fucking awesome it is to be alive. 📸
Women’s March. Hunter Mountain. Galentine’s @sojospa. Killington. @thomcharlton coming to BRPK. Puerto Rico. NYCece & Dede. Burlington. Lawrence’s Med School Graduation! Governor’s Ball. Flora & Dave in LA. Tamer Fellowship. Hadestown with Cheska. P2L Summer SOULstice. Beetlejuice with Cheska. July 4th in NYC. French Riviera. London. Jovconos. Chicago to see Brandon. Home. COSMOS Summit! Columbia School of Social Work PAC Orientation Leader. Jerm wakes tf up. Moving into 2W with my partner in crime. Cash Cab. Celebrating 28 as Beetlejuice, Scorpio Szn Shindig. Kim moves to NYC. Day-n-Vegas. Ying and Kusama. Friendsgivings & Friendsmases. SoulCycle Instructor Audition. Washington DCece. English Christmas with the Priors.
Future-mommy-in-training with my little Mengs 👧🏻👶🏻👦🏻 Cooking 34/52 👩🏼🍳 Reading 15 👩🏼🏫 Documentaries 13 👩🏼💻 SoulCycle 130 💛
Balance 🤸🏻♀️
2019 has taught me to set boundaries, to forgive, to let go of expectations and resentment, and to trust in your diamonds. To trust in the universe. 🙏🏼
Good things will come, they always do. 🌟
Looking to be more spiritual, intentional and liberated in 2020.
2020, I manifest..
Clarity.
This dance that we are doing
stumbling over and into each other...
So close to taste, yet never
quite enough.
Fingers grazing, breath intertwined
A gaze that lasts just a little
too long.
A little too, deep.
Maybe because I’m someone
that is always worrying about my worth
I am very cognizant of giving love
and affection.
Of making sure those around me
and those I care deeply about
recognize that they
are loved.
but more importantly,
being there
when it truly counts.
So I have very little patience
and very little respect
for those that do not.
Who prioritize themselves first,
who don’t,
show up.
Something in me knew that it’d happen,
that somehow across borders
across time zones
across oceans,
I’d run into you.
My heart betrays me,
however brief
when I look to the sky
for the reason why
he would bring you again to me,
when I have spent the last
few years
of sleepless nights
trying to scrub you
from my soul.
It wasn’t very long before
I remembered why
I was so enamored with you.
So, attached.
So in love.
…but that feeling wasn’t without
its own weight.
its own,
drowning.
It was a moment,
but a moment was all I needed.
Of pain, of past
of despair
to remind myself also
why we together were
so
broken.
I tossed and turned last night and my day, like many days, started at 5 in the morning. Before the streets of New York have awakened, before even the sun.
Not sure if it was the rain or the mood, but things were kind of downhill from there and I had difficulty bouncing back to my usually happy self...
I took a breather, I got a coffee, I talked it out and still, there was a bit of residual resentment.
Sometimes, a nap doesn’t make everything better and sometimes, breathing just doesn’t work.
But all of that together, with good people and good vibes, and grounding ourselves in looking at things with compassion, and not assuming malicious intent, can peace be welcomed.
It took me a bit longer today and I was very out of character, but it’s because I needed to be reminded of the signs of when I stray from center and how to get back.
Practice makes perfect. I will continue to practice of letting go of the things I cannot control and to change the things that I can, in order to create a life for myself that I am proud of and value for the world that is needed. The universe has my back, and everything is happening and unfolding in the exact way that it should.
I must remember to be grateful for the good. I am grateful to my friends and my support systems. Thank you for checking in, and letting me know you’re there. Felt it right in my soul. I am thankful for the luck and manifestation of my dreams and aspirations, of my progression upward professionally, and of the mentors in my life.
I appreciate this life. I appreciate the people in it, even more. Today was tough. Lost a bit of faith in humanity. There will be more. But tomorrow is another day.
I will face it with love.
It always creeps up on you, when you least expect it. The intangible things. How do you quantify something like connection? It’s like asking what frequency people vibe on? Which wavelength?
I think it’s life’s way of giving people’s journeys a little more meaning and making the process a little more interesting.
It took me a bit to heal and recenter my focus on myself and find stability. It took until early this year, but I finally feel as if I’m whole as I am and that came with the realization that I hadn’t known such a beautiful thing. At least, not in this way.
“I moved to New York 8 months ago and am getting into the groove of defining my career and pursuing the paths I think were meant for me. Committed for the first time in my life, to myself and myself alone and not ready to lose that just yet.”
I had to reject someone the other day. I still think I wasn’t able to do it well.
I’m not ready to lose that just yet, but I also shouldn’t ever be ready to lose myself. Not for a relationship and not within a relationship, either. And if the right person came along, I would hope that they wouldn’t let me get away from myself. That the version of myself when I was around them, is my favorite version of myself.
That goes for not only just in a relationship with a partner, but also relationships with my friends.
Been more focused and invested in fewer people lately. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, because I find myself liking me more and more as I spend more and more time with these people who affirm my good qualities. People who make me feel good about myself, and grateful that I am me. People that lift me up. People who remind me of my strengths, when I am already so self-critical of my weaknesses.
I think it’s easy to be skeptical of others, to be distrusting when there’s been so much hurt and pain in the world. There’s someone in particular, that I was very, very careful about. Probably because I really liked him off the bat and that was unsettling, but a large part because I couldn’t read or understand him and that was even scarier. I realize now, that I was afraid of rejection or judgement. But instead of giving that power for others to pass, I must remind myself to refocus and recenter on validation and assurance for myself. And to make the decision to invest in people who make me feel better about myself - it’s a two way street.
Been getting to know said person these past few weeks, and I think that initial impression and discomfort has evolved into something of more substance and depth. Human beings are complex, emotional, layered creatures, but that’s what makes getting to know others so fascinating. It’s what makes relationships and human connection so fulfilling.
Dear Cece,
I’m super sleepy right now, but wanted to check in. I hope you’re taking care of yourself and I hope this path you’ve chosen is still right for you and solidified in your dreams and aspirations. I hope it feels right, as right as it did when you first walked onto Columbia’s campus earlier this year.
I know this work is difficult sometimes, that it’s emotionally draining, thankless, and financially difficult. But please also remember that it is impactful and life-changing in many ways. Social work is the profession of people and you at your core, your very core, believe and love people. Believe they can be anything. You touch them. Don’t lose that no matter how difficult it gets. Don’t lose that hope and light when things don’t seem to go as planned. As long as you follow your passion, only good things will come.
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.
God knows you deserve it. You’ve come so far. You’ve learned so, so much and I’m so proud of you. There’s always more work to be done, but continue to celebrate your successes.
I hope you’ve learned and grown even more. Raised your EQ. Learned to manage people and organizations. Found more focus. Taken a dive with that mental health idea. I think it’s great - make taking care of yourself a priority and an accessible commodity.
I hope you’ve found and fallen in love again. I hope it’s healthy and everything you’ve dreamed. I hope your art is still pivotal in your life. That your family is closer. That you’ve continued to form and keep quality relationships. Financial independence.
And above all, love for yourself.
Love Always,
Cece
Got my letter to my future self back from my advisor today - making my own damn self cry.
It wasn’t the relationship
that I missed.
I haven’t had many,
Really only one before you
to be exact.
Although he made mistakes
he was very kind and our relationship
was very safe,
very healing.
I guess that’s why
we lasted so long.
We built and mended
loved and nurtured
for six years.
All of my adult life then.
Yet, I don’t feel like
any of that time was wasted.
I wouldn’t have had it any other way;
I wouldn’t have had it
with anyone else.
We learned to compromise
to meet each other halfway.
We learned to communicate,
in authenticity, in truth.
We learned to love,
even when it was hard.
I think that’s why when we started,
I had a different understanding of what a relationship
could be.
And that’s why it hurt me so much,
that you couldn’t bring yourself to truly listen and understand me.
I don’t miss the relationship.
It was oftentimes painful,
like my insides had fallen to my feet.
Many a night,
I felt fear.
Afraid you would leave me,
afraid of making you unhappy.
Afraid,
of not being enough.
Of never being enough.
Afraid,
of you.
I don’t miss the relationship.
Nobody would.
In my naïveté, I still wanted to make it work.
Because I had never loved anything or anyone more deeply.
My soul had never,
met its match.
I don’t miss the relationship.
I’m not even entirely sure I miss you.
Not the you from back then, anyway.
I miss...
How I felt about you.
How it felt to be seen for the first time, to be truly loved.
I miss loving like that.
Unconditionally.
As the world was reveling in the Jordyn Woods, Tristan Thompson, Kardashian drama that America has come to love and worship, the ground beneath us rotted just a bit more.
Just a few months ago in October 2018, leading climate scientists and the United Nations’ Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change issued a report warning that global warming can be kept at a maximum increase of 1.5 degrees Celsius for only 12 more years. Any more, and we will continue to see increased disasters and extreme weather conditions like droughts, floods, extreme heat and resulting death and poverty for hundreds of millions of people.
As a species, we are now in the midst of witnessing the consequences of our choices - extreme weather and natural disasters have and are continuing to devastate our country. In the past 6 years, 21 hurricanes have raged through America. Three category 5 hurricanes (have been especially damaging, physically and economically: Katrina, Rita, Wilma. Katrina has also been the costliest, valued at $81 Billion dollars in damages, still rising and affecting Louisiana’s economy still. Puerto Rico also has not fully recovered.
And why is that?
Why is it that areas that are predominantly homes to people of color, are dismissed and treated as unimportant? When fires raged in California and millionaires were fearing for their Calabasas mansions, aid was sent quickly and evacuation handled effectively.
Where was that care after Katrina? After Hurricane Maria?
Even in a city as liberal and progressive as New York, people consistently forget that social issues are so inherently tied to environmental issues and environmental justice. It’s no surprise that areas that are predominantly black and brown, receive little to no attention from the government systems built to support them. When we fail to look at the entire ecosystem with all the systems at play, including natural systems, we are failing to advocate efficiently and holistically.
In racism, we can’t only fight for equality for blacks alone or the entire movement falls apart. We fight collectively for blacks, Asians, latinxs, all people of color that are oppressed by the status quo. We look at Flint without clean water in our own country. Wars in Africa over diminishing clean water sources. When we fight for the environment, we fight for equity and we fight for justice.
The most important system of our era, may very well be the Natural System. Without it, life will cease to exist.
If you wanted to come back,
you would.
Letting you go.
Letting the universe lead me where it will.
Believing in a better life out there.
Best week I’ve had in a while, and I truly believe it was because of the people I was with.