It always creeps up on you, when you least expect it. The intangible things. How do you quantify something like connection? It’s like asking what frequency people vibe on? Which wavelength?
I think it’s life’s way of giving people’s journeys a little more meaning and making the process a little more interesting.
It took me a bit to heal and recenter my focus on myself and find stability. It took until early this year, but I finally feel as if I’m whole as I am and that came with the realization that I hadn’t known such a beautiful thing. At least, not in this way.
“I moved to New York 8 months ago and am getting into the groove of defining my career and pursuing the paths I think were meant for me. Committed for the first time in my life, to myself and myself alone and not ready to lose that just yet.”
I had to reject someone the other day. I still think I wasn’t able to do it well.
I’m not ready to lose that just yet, but I also shouldn’t ever be ready to lose myself. Not for a relationship and not within a relationship, either. And if the right person came along, I would hope that they wouldn’t let me get away from myself. That the version of myself when I was around them, is my favorite version of myself.
That goes for not only just in a relationship with a partner, but also relationships with my friends.
Been more focused and invested in fewer people lately. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, because I find myself liking me more and more as I spend more and more time with these people who affirm my good qualities. People who make me feel good about myself, and grateful that I am me. People that lift me up. People who remind me of my strengths, when I am already so self-critical of my weaknesses.
I think it’s easy to be skeptical of others, to be distrusting when there’s been so much hurt and pain in the world. There’s someone in particular, that I was very, very careful about. Probably because I really liked him off the bat and that was unsettling, but a large part because I couldn’t read or understand him and that was even scarier. I realize now, that I was afraid of rejection or judgement. But instead of giving that power for others to pass, I must remind myself to refocus and recenter on validation and assurance for myself. And to make the decision to invest in people who make me feel better about myself - it’s a two way street.
Been getting to know said person these past few weeks, and I think that initial impression and discomfort has evolved into something of more substance and depth. Human beings are complex, emotional, layered creatures, but that’s what makes getting to know others so fascinating. It’s what makes relationships and human connection so fulfilling.