12.07.2015 - The Game

Many people play the game. Almost everyone, actually. The game of cat and mouse, except the roles switch continuously and the animals all have smart phones and apps.

I don’t really like the game.

I don’t like it because of all the crazy things it makes you feel and the inevitable roller coaster ride of emotions. Always questioning where my seat is or how many loops I’ll go through before I get sick or the ride stops, if ever. I don’t like the game because it’s dishonest and unclear and isn’t a good reflection of what kind of person someone is past the surface level. Some people can just kill it at the game even when they fail as good people and at life. And some people who are wonderful and deserve everything, fail at the game and don’t have the opportunity to showcase their goodness.

I especially dislike the game because of how much it invades my thoughts.

I’m not a sentimental, lovey-dovey person by any means. PDA makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t like airing my dirty laundry out on social media. I just don’t think about silly things like that and when I do have issues about it, I don’t let it ruin my life. That’s why I dislike how conflicted and hypocritical I become when I get caught in the game. I think of things that aren’t important and I hate that I let it take over, when it’s the absolute last thing I want to care about. Something so insignificant like zipping up my jacket or holding my hand is going to make me think and revel in the motivations all day long.

Even when I should be getting work done or following my schedules and working towards my goals. I think and I think about it. Even when I know it’s stupid and I don’t really even like you anyways.

I get caught.

So maybe I dislike the game because I’m horrible at it. I respond to texts as I get them and I’m honest to a fault about my interests and feelings. I get carried away before I’ve even decided where I’m going and I usually can’t pull the brakes on it. Paradise? Or will I crash and burn?

I can’t play the game.
Let me off this ride.

12.06.2015 - Makeup

I don’t wear makeup often simply because it takes too much time.

When I do, I try not to wear too much. Maybe a little mascara and blush. The reason why I mention this is because I actually took my time to do my face before a holiday party this weekend and I realized how horrible I was at everything. Despite being pretty comfortable with painting, the thought of applying eyeliner and eyeshadow stresses me out. It also takes me 300 times as long and I do everything out of order. (What’s primer?) But I did it anyways. And I was really happy about it. You get this weird rush from make up, but I don’t know if that’s just me. I really had fun doing all the brushing and trying to make it look alright.

It reminded me of a conversation I had with my friend a while back. We were arguing about societal pressures on women to wear make up and go through all these processes to fit standards prescribed by men. I said that women should be okay without make up and understand the historical, misogynistic culture behind the idea of make up. We agreed that you should wear make up for you, and not anybody else. You shouldn’t be painting your face for men, nor for women. Just yourself.

Maybe it is difficult to live without looking your best everyday. Especially when many guys, biologically, see women for what they look like externally on first impression. You would need to contour your face to be as beautiful as the next girl. But natural beauty and accentuating your own beautiful features is much better than fabricating them in my opinion. I think natural make up that stems from self-love and understanding is the kind that wins out in the end. Plus, you probably don’t want partners that can’t tell the difference between fake and real.

Make up is really amazing and can completely change how somebody looks. It’s a fun hobby for many and an art for some. I’m okay with girls loving make up, but if and only if they love themselves first. Make up wont be addictive or a facet of insecurity if you understand why society craves it, and why you yourself are using it. If you love yourself, that core confidence will be more beautiful than all the products the industry can come up with.

12.05.2015 - Grids

A lot of grids in my life lately.

I’ve been using this app called grid diary to write down my affirmations, goals, what I’m grateful for, good things that happened, and what I did towards my goals. It’s pretty helpful in keeping me accountable, but I haven’t gotten back into habit of going to the gym so that’s going to be my first order of business today.

I really recommend it if you need a place to write things like that down after waking up to start your morning on a good note. It takes 21 days for habits to stick, so just stick out adding good things to your lifestyle and it’ll become routine, making you a happier, more successful person in general. I, like everyone else, just need a little bit of motivation every morning to make the day great. I hope I can keep these things up.

The second grid, I just saw on Facebook. It was one of those word grids and the first three words you saw would tell you what your 2016 was going to look like. I got love, experience, and humour. The fourth word I saw was success. So hopefully, next year can bring all those things! However, I do think it’s half my responsibility to make sure it happens by being open to possibilities. It’s up to me to accept opportunities that present themselves.

The same is true for everyone else! You need to be open-minded and accept the good things as they come. Shake off the bad and look for what could be a blessing in disguise. Be in a position to meet new people, try new things, and set yourself up for success and the opportunities will come.

T-minus 26 days until New Years. Let’s end this year with love and start the next with even more of it.

12.04.2015 - Late

Been sick this week and because of that I’ve been sleeping a lot.

It’s definitely been a struggle waking up this week, and when I’m late to work it really throws me off. It felt like I was scrambling to get work done around the school. Driving home was also a struggle. When I got home today, I went straight to bed and passed out for 5 hours.

I think being late really adds stress to my life. By just having an extra 10 minutes every day to take a breather or eat breakfast or read the news a little longer can make a huge difference. I ended up using my lunch break to meditate and nap to get me back on track from my schedule getting thrown off. I think I need to wake up even earlier to avoid traffic, yet still get everything I need to, finished.

I mean in theory, it’s ideal to get up early enough to work out before school, but in practice it’s rather difficult to drag myself to the gym, shower, and then still have time for breakfast and reading the news. Just gotta do it.

“You can sleep when you’re dead.”

Yeah, but I work to my maximum potential when I get 8 hours of sleep or more. And I want to do my best, every single day.

No more being late.

12.03.2015 - Commute

Commuting is fairly difficult.

I mean, I knew that in theory, but driving everyday to north bay is pretty tiring when I’m actually making the trips. It makes me think more about the money and costs of working far away from home and what I wouldn’t do to live closer in the city.

It also makes me feel jaded. Extra projects that I would have otherwise been happy to do, I get irritated just thinking about. I feel the the need to ask for more money or less hours at work because it feels like my days are so long.

But those are really just excuses.

It’s because I’m not completely satisfied at work, as grateful as I am for it. I blame it on commuting or the pay, but really I think I’m disappointed in myself for not having a better living situation. I could sleep over in north bay if I really wanted, but I value my space and my home so much I would rather make the drive. It kind of seems like an endless cycle. I can’t justify paying rent when my family lives in the Bay Area, but I complain about the commuting it takes to get anywhere.

Really, I just need to wake up earlier and sleep earlier so that I can avoid traffic. Or, get a job closer to my house. Or move to San Francisco. Or suck it up and realize that what I have is great, cons and all.

(Also, I really want and need a hybrid car. Been on the lookout for a versatile hatchback that’s reliable and eco-friendly.. So my commutes don’t make me feel so guilty.)

Today might just be one of those sleepless nights.

12.02.2015 - Headspace

I’ve been researching good habits to adopt to promote more positivity and inspiration in daily life and came across this article: 

https://medium.com/life-learning/8-things-every-person-should-do-before-8-a-m-cc0233e15c8d#.x0h4ba94y

  1. 7+ hours of sleep
  2. 5 min journal
  3. Meditation
  4. Exercise 45 min
  5. 30g of protein for breakfast (6g/egg)
  6. Cold shower
  7. Listen/read uplifting content
  8. Affirmations (ex. I am smart. I will get a high LSAT score)
  9. Do one thing towards long-term goals - mantra

I recommend the app Headspace for meditation, it’s a handy app that kind of leads you through meditation. The first 10 days are free and it is subscription based afterward, but I believe friends can give each other one free month. I also added the 5 minute journal to the article’s list - writing in the morning right after you wake up can really clear your head and give you clarity on your thoughts. Sometimes, I write at night as well about the day’s musings. But you have to write at least five minutes everyday. If exercising or meditating is too difficult to incorporate into your lifestyle, at least do the writing. 

I had dinner with a good friend last night that was struggling with many grievances and personal issues two years ago. She was leap and bounds better when we finally met up yesterday. She owed it to writing down affirmations. “I am beautiful. I am strong. I am brilliant. I am deserving.” And just writing down the kind of person she wanted to be and putting positivity into her life through words, she was able to fight depression and find solace internally. I really believe that when you accept and find comfort with yourselves internally, the other parts of your life kind of just fall into place. It’s almost as if, love attracts love in other areas. 

So love yourself first, and wake up a little earlier than usual.