02.15.2016 - Valentine's

I feel like I should write this now as I’m getting to bed before I forget the moments this weekend has created.

I honestly never thought that I would feel the way I did leaving Seattle tonight. A sense of uncertainty, nostalgia, love, and even a little bit of longing.

I went to Seattle because a good friend and coworker of mine loves the city to its core. She goes very often and dragged me along for a Singles Awareness Weekend in Seattle. And although the weather was exactly how I thought it’d be (rainy and grey), the charm of the city itself took me by surprise.

I loved the museums, the food, the coffee, and above all else, the clean air. (The trees and jackbox TV games we played were pretty awesome too.) Waking up to crisp atmosphere and decadent coffee every morning was bliss.

An old friend of mine took us around and hung out with us all weekend and I really appreciated that. It’s been a very long time since we’ve been close and I’ve honestly maybe seen him only once or twice a year since high school graduation. But I guess that’s expected because of how things went way back when.

I am really, really grateful. Not only because we were able to see the city with a local, but the time we spent catching up and closing the space between us was incredibly wonderful on its own. I always love to spend hours reminiscing and laughing about simpler times. Talking everything out also brought a new perspective on the things that happened before and what they might’ve meant to us now. Basically, this weekend made me realize just how important timing is and how important it is to be aware of how people feel around you.

Life has a funny way of taking people away and putting them back into your lives.

I was told today, that I was someone’s first love.

I always thought about my first love, but I never considered I could be anyone else’s. It was a humbling thought. To be cherished and remembered fondly not only as a memory, but as a living continuation. A beautiful feeling. It’s something I can’t really describe…I just know that it warmed me and made me smile.

Maybe things happen the way the do because people aren’t yet ready for what happens after. Maybe the people that walk out of your life need to so that they may come back when they’re ready. Maybe the people that barge back in, are the ones that deserve all the grace and love you can offer because they worked to get themselves there.

I don’t know what’s going to happen from here on out, but I want to remember these moments and make sure that I accept these people who want to be a part of my story. Whether they’ve walked out before or are strangers in unknown places - everyone deserves a second chance. So maybe it’s my turn to work. My turn to be a part of someone’s life again. My turn to give love to people who need it the most.

You weren’t my first love, but you were important to me.

You are important to me.

02.07.2016 - When I Wake Up

When I wake up now, it isn’t to the pitter patter of my dogs or to the movements of my parents in the kitchen upstairs. I wake up in an unfamiliar room to the knocking of my loud, demanding housemate.

The walls are white, not blue. The bed is low, not high. My sheets feel rough and my bed firm. It’s just a little cold, and I’m never expecting the carpet to feel so stringy beneath my feet.

I’ve lived in other places before, but this time living in my own apartment feels significantly different. Even though I also paid my way through rent and expenses on JET in Japan, this time feels more permanent. The thought of being in my own place indefinitely is exciting in itself, but also stressful.

I do really miss my family. That surprised me a bit. Realizing that I miss them barging into my room and asking me to do things early hours in the morning. I miss their bickering and nagging. Their voices. I miss going home and having food already on the table - specially bought or made for me after work. I miss being able to ask my parents about life advice and coming up with my next steps together.

It feels the same with my brother. When we were always together, he drove me nuts. But after he moved out, I realized how much I missed his presence and having him there. I feel like that with my parents and I’m sure they are thinking the same about me.

My mom cried a bit when I was moving out that first weekend. She asked me why all her children were leaving her..

I was taken aback because of our history together, but what surprised me more was that I also had tears falling as well. I guess it isn’t ever easy to leave a family, despite what the circumstances are or have been.

2016 is a year of so many changes - and it will also be the year of so much growth.

I want to learn to stand on my own, to provide for my family, and to work toward a career I am passionate about.

San Francisco? LSAT? Political Campaigns? Boalt and Goldman?

I’m coming for you.